Homesick... for your home.

Friday. It was not a typical good night for me. As of post Iftar with family at home, I went up straight to bed. It wasn’t a tiring day but it felt as if I have not slept for days. I slept through the night without bothering to bring my phone along. I don’t have that sense of need to be dragging and carrying it anywhere I go these past few days. It was a short 2 hours sleep but I felt like I had a 2 nights sleep. The moment I woke up, it was already 11.30pm. And I suddenly felt the urgency to rush and search for my phone. I went downstairs looking for it and the battery was drained, so I charged it. To my surprise, I received 4 miscalls from a long unknown number. I googled the code number and found out it was from a satellite phone call from a ship to shore. Heart was devastated to know that I failed to notice all the calls.

I miss you. I miss you like crazy. I can’t talk about it to anybody. I can’t be showing my emotions. I can’t be telling people how difficult it is for me. It sucks. They all suck. I feel like I’m all alone on my own and have no one to hold on to.

This time around, it’s the first time you went off shore since we first last met. It feels so different. It feels so difficult too. No words can really describe this now. No one can really understand what I’m going through now. And I’m writing here because it’s worth sharing to you the things that I have to go through, the feelings I felt when you weren’t around. This tingling feeling at the back of my throat, this tears trickling down my cheeks, this runny nose that keeps me breathless, they’re worth all. So long as I can hear your voice for 2 minutes and hear you laugh and giggle, while you hear my sobbing happy voice.

Sayang, I’m surrounded by family and friends and so many other things to do, and so many places to go. For you to have to stay at one place, doing the same thing, seeing the same people, eating the same thing, for days weeks and months, I can only have so much respect towards you. I could not imagine myself going through that. I’d be crazy. So I thank you for all the patience, and strength and sanity to go through this, all for our pinky promises. I will do so much to make all of this work.

Because in the end, you love me. And I love you. And you’re worth all the waits and sacrifices.

I do...

...wanna be loved.

" Your heart's against my chest 

Lips pressed to my neck 

I've fallen for your eyes 

But they don't know me yet 

And the feeling I forget 

I'm in love now "

It may sound cliché' but this feels like being in love. It really does. It is not just a loophole or an escape. It is not just an idea of falling in love. Instead, it is the settling down. It is the assurance and the commitment. It is the safety you're giving. It is being your lady. And yes, I want it from you. Just you. 

So take this kiss and lets forget about the rest of it. Lets watch our lives together. Cause do you remember? We pinky promised.

Reevaluating love...

“Love is a grave mental disease.” At least that’s how Plato put it. And while anyone who’s ever been ‘in love’ might see some truth to this statement, there is a critical mistake made here. Love is not a mental disease. Desire is.

If being ‘in love’ means our lives are in pieces and we are completely broken, miserable, utterly consumed, hardly able to function, and willing to sacrifice everything, chances are it’s not love. Despite what we are taught in popular culture, true love is not supposed to make us like drug addicts.

And so, contrary to what we’ve grown up watching in movies, that type of all-consuming obsession is not love. It goes by a different name. It is hawa—the word used in the Quran to refer to one’s lower, vain desires and lusts. Allah describes the people who blindly follow these desires as those who are most astray: “But if they answer you not, then know that they only follow their own lusts (hawa). And who is more astray than the one who follows his own lusts, without guidance from Allah?” (28: 50)

By choosing to submit to our hawa over the guidance of Allah, we are choosing to worship those desires. When our love for what we crave is stronger than our love for Allah, we have taken that which we crave as a lord. Allah says: “Yet there are men who take (for worship) others besides Allah, as equal (with Allah): They love them as they should love Allah. But those of Faith are overflowing in their love for Allah.” (2:165)

If our ‘love’ for something makes us willing to give up our family, our dignity, our self-respect, our bodies, our sanity, our peace of mind, our deen, and even our Lord who created us from nothing, know that we are not ‘in love’. We are slaves.

Of such a person Allah says: “Do you see such a one as takes his own vain desires (hawa) as his lord? Allah has, knowing (him as such), left him astray, and sealed his hearing and his heart, and put a cover on his sight. (45: 23)

Imagine the severity. To have one’s sight, hearing and heart all sealed. Hawa is not pleasure. It is a prison. It is a slavery of the mind, body and soul. It is an addiction and a worship. Beautiful examples of this reality can be found throughout literature. In Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations, Pip exemplifies this point. In describing his obsession with Estella, he says: “I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.”

Dickens’ Miss Havisham describes this further: “I’ll tell you…what real love is. It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to the smiter – as I did!”

What Miss Havisham describes here is in fact real. But it is not real love. It is hawa. Real love, as Allah intended it, is not a sickness or an addiction. It is affection and mercy. Allah says in His book: “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an 30: 21)

Real love brings about calm—not inner torment. True love allows you to be at peace with yourself and with God. That is why Allah says: “that you may dwell in tranquility.” Hawa is the opposite. Hawa will make you miserable. And just like a drug, you will crave it always, but never be satisfied. You will chase it to your own detriment, but never reach it. And though you submit your whole self to it, it will never bring you happiness.

So while ultimate happiness is everyone’s goal, it is often difficult to see past the illusions and discern love from hawa. One fail-safe way, is to ask yourself this question: Does getting closer to this person that I ‘love’ bring me closer to—or farther from—Allah? In a sense, has this person replaced Allah in my heart?

True or pure love should never contradict or compete with one’s love for Allah. It should strengthen it. That is why true love is only possible within the boundaries of what Allah has made permissible. Outside of that, it is nothing more than hawa, to which we either submit or reject. We are either slaves to Allah, or slaves to our hawa. It cannot be both.

Only by struggling against false pleasure, can we attain true pleasure. They are by definition mutually exclusive. For that reason, the struggle against our desires is a prerequisite for the attainment of paradise. Allah says: “But as for he who feared the position of his Lord and prevented the soul from [unlawful] inclination, then indeed, Paradise will be [his] refuge.” (Qur’an, 79: 40-41)

-Yasmin Mogahed.

So, once again. Where does this take me? What does this make me? How does this affect me? Who does this bring me to? Guide me. 

A Heart Aint A Brain.

"The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable: they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed." - Ernest Hemingway

I have heard and seen so many beautiful love stories, realities and fantasies altogether, about persons who make them feel complete, gives them so much of themselves, provides them the comfort, security, and merely the possession of treasured endowment of love. But that was never my story. I was always entangled in their verdicts. They put me in their sealed traps and dragged me further down into their faux pass. Torturing me so. Asphyxiated in my own blunder, I knew I need to crawl out of this egoistical world.  A loophole is all I need.

 

It’s amusing and a blessing that I found you in my times of misery. After all the heartwarming, revealing and insightful conversations we had, I found a soft spot for you. Never have I thought that this would bring me so much joy, comfort and nearly the possession of love - at least at this moment right now. I appreciate all your naked truths, even though there were some obvious offensive nuisances. This weak heart of mine is gathering all the courage to take the risk of accepting your nuisance. In hopes that this approval of offends will help you cringe back to the righteous path. I want to believe that these won’t only help you, but me as well, especially in making wise choices and sacrifices. It’s no denying that I have spent countless hours doubting – Is this what I want? Am I prepared? It’s a scary thing and truth be told, there was a never a day that I don’t feel scared about it. But then again, I remember how our dreams collide, those perfect dreams that you and I are willing to strive. It only makes me want to devote myself.

What I am trying to say is, you gave me the loophole to all my miseries and predicament in the strangest time. I don’t understand your purposes, and I don’t ever need to know them. All that matter is that I am glad fate brought me to you. You are my loophole, you are all I need.  

So yes, a heart is not a brain. And sometimes, fate and dreams can collide.

a rope worth holding...

He never just had a part of me, he had all of me. I wrapped myself up in his being and it wasn’t surprising when he did the same. Our lives became entwined with a mix of our bests, and our worsts. I’m not scared nor do I feel robbed. I guess I feel a little confused on how something that consuming couldn’t make it to the end.

Here I am now thinking about what lies ahead. To have my string back from the entwined rope, it just doesn’t seem right. I feel vulnerable and not as strong. What I keep forgetting is that it’s not impossible to entwine myself with another rope. So many people don’t want to change, they want to move on and still be the same person. I’ve felt that way for such a long time. Now I feel like the only answer is forgetting..

If I was willing to give that much of myself to him at one time, I shouldn’t be selfish enough to ask for it back. And I shouldn’t be shallow enough to expect another girl to love his leftovers. I have to create something for her to love that isn’t marked by his and mine. I don’t need to hate him in the process either.

This is all ok to feel but theres a day when that strand of rope is knotted and then the new piece forms. Different lengths and different strengths. They're all the same rope. I just need to decide which piece I feel the safest holding when I fall. Right?

Afterall, thats what I've always wanted. For someone to catch me when i fall...

Going strong...

I’ve just watched a "relationship" that I truly believed was so caring and resilient, crumble in front of my eyes. There was nothing I could do to change the way he felt, I couldn’t change the choice he made. I gave it all I could, but this time it wasn’t enough. It was just over, just like that. Yet knowing these blunt facts, I’m still haunted by the ‘what if’s?’ that expand my doubts. 

Learning to block out these dangerously over-whelming thoughts and replace them with the acceptance that I’m never getting back what I had, hasn’t exactly been the healthiest or easiest journey. Nor has it helped lessened how absolutely drained and heart broken I am after this.

Good people leave, it happens. I’m learning that it’s not to make us weak but to instead strengthen us. These people walk out on us to allow better people to take their place. To fill in all the gaps the previous person wasn’t able to fill.

I don’t know how long it’ll take or how many hits and misses I’ll experience before this better person makes himself apparent, but I do know that when that person comes, I’ll be happy that I made the choice to endure this pain they call ‘moving on’ rather than holding on to the fake hope that the previous person led me to believe that maybe one day we’ll pick up where we left off. 

Last October I had my first thoughts. Only now I know how right I was. This was , too good to be true.

And I’m glad.

Heartless.

How do i live now? What do i do if the heart is not there anymore?

My heart is aching like someone just drilled my sternum and ripped my ribcage apart and crushed my heart.

Everything is aching now. Like a zombie I will be. Ugly. Starving for another heart. Desperate.

But soon, the heart will die. And free I will be.

And when that time comes, like a butterfly I will rise. Beautiful. Elegant. And up high.

Food

When you're happy but lonely, you over eat. When you're lost and depressed, you dont eat anything.

Thats how I am now. As of for now, 9.26am on a Tuesday of March 5th 2013, its been zero food for 6 days 10 hours 34 minutes and still counting.

Where does this put me?

A reason to hope...

The heart still burns longing for what the heart cannot desire.

Kitkat Anyone?

Oh BMS BMS BMS... why are you torturing me so.

But lets not forget what Papa have said.

"Be not afraid of failure. Life is not about what you cant do. Its about what you still can."

Oh the sleepless night...

REASONS FOR INTEREST IN THIS COURSE

I was exposed to orthodontic treatment since at a young age. Before I was orthodontically treated, I was lacking in self confidence and self esteem. I had a malocclusion with severe crowding which made me a social recluse. My orthodontist corrected my smile and I became less timid, more contented and confident. I presume that the feeling of giving people that much impact on improving their quality of life, whereby the ability to improve their self confidence and self esteem is extremely overwhelming, hence, me being in dentistry.

However, being in the dental world over the years and trained in Universiti Sains Malaysia (USM) under the philosophy of Professor Abdul Rani, a respected oral maxillofacial surgeon in the region and the founder dean, I was exposed to a more challenging and wider scope of dentistry and medicine. I was indulged in more serious matters of health affecting the head and neck region. I learned that there are more concerns regarding the oral cavity, head and neck that a dentist or an oral surgeon can do to help those in need. It is not merely drilling teeth, constructing dentures, and aligning the dentition.

In addition to that, being attached in the Oral Surgery Department, Sarawak General Hospital which is the hub for Oral Maxillofacial Surgery in Borneo, I was involved with a diversity of experiences that offered a very realistic and in-depth glimpse of life as an oral surgeon. During the short attachment, I had the opportunity to observe and get first-hand training by the oral surgeons in the management of various surgical cases, from biopsies and intermaxillary fixation in trauma cases, to more major surgeries such as segmental mandibulectomy and immediate reconstruction with free flaps. While the surgeries are tantalizing, the reviews and the follow-ups were remarkably challenging as to ensure both quality of life and aesthetics can still be maintained despite the possibility of a futile outcome.

One of the interesting cases that I get to experience is a case of Desmoplastic Amelobastoma affecting the symphysis of the mandible of a 19 year old female. Presenting to the outpatient clinic with just a gum swelling and a prognathic mandible, she was then diagnosed and planned for segmental mandibulectomy and reconstruction with free fibula flap. After long hours of operation and regular rounds in the ward, patient was finally discharged without complication. The regular follow ups and reviews were daunting but inspiring as I had the opportunity to witness the success of the flap. In spite of continuous care towards the reconstructive site, patient’s facial appearance showed near normal results. Additionally, upon issuing of denture, although not ideal, patient showed satisfaction and was pleased with the overall outcome. Ever since then, my interest in oral maxillofacial surgery has developed further. The change and improvement that I see in patients brings joy and gratification. It is exciting, expanding, and engaging that I am willing to take a leap of faith and commit myself in this field.

I believe that OMFS requires a unique surgical skillset that can only be acquired by hands on practical experience in the clinical and surgical management of patients. University of Hong Kong, being an international reputable university in the region with esteemed Professors, it is of great value to be able to study and expand my knowledge in the Faculty of Dentistry. Having very limited experience in a hospital-based dental setting, I believe, to have the opportunity to learn and getting first hand training by highly experienced and didactic lecturers and surgeons is a key to further discover my surgical proficiency. Apart from that, being the premier center of dental education, I would hope to carry back the surgical doctrine that the Faculty can offer to my recently established dental school and share the knowledge with my colleagues for the advancement of the OMFS Department. I am aware that the technical and aesthetic concerns of OMFS makes it a challenging field and a rewarding specialty and it pushed me beyond my limits every day. The yearning to expand my knowledge and learning the art and science of OMFS in a reputable faculty would be my privilege.

Would that suffice?

PS: Entry is copyrighted for my Masters application. Published for the purpose of inspiring others. So please, do not steal. Would appreciate it very much. Thanks.

Right in front of me.

I wanted to tell you. When you were right in front of me. But I have no strength. I'm a coward. How can I bear this feeling?

Can I just focus on my studies first please? Remember, be selfish for awhile!

I miss falling inlove..

Sent on Jan 13 2:48pm
"I had a great time with you. Dont have to be sorry. I jus wish i could hang out with u again without having to think about exams most of the time. InsyaAllah lepas exam, ill see you again. And InsyaAllah we'll have better time ahead. And InsyaAllah i can and hope ill pass my exams. Have safe journey home. Kirim salam to ur parents. Do msg me if ure bored. And do let me know once ure abt to board. I just got home nw. I wanna rest for awhile."

When all I wanted to say is
"Dear, I had a great time with you. I should be the one to say sorry because i cannot spend time with you more. I just wish i could hang out with u again without having to think abt exams most of the time. InsyaAllah lepas exam, we'll have better times ahead. Because i really do miss you. Pray for my success in my exam k. Have a safe journey home. Kirim salam to your parents. Do msg me anytime. And do let me know once ure abt to board. I just got home nw. I really miss you, and i wish we could be as before. Take care, i love you."

But im too afraid to say it out.

Much love,
I.

Dear Friend,

I don't know why we still fight when all I ever wanted is to keep you. I have known you for so long and so deep that you have become a part of me. I was lost and alone and frustrated and down. Part of me is telling me that what I did to you was to test you. To test how much you would go to still be with me. But I don't know anymore. I don't know who is the other part of me. I don't know where you have gone. And I don't know what I want right now. All I need is for you to help me find myself back. The way we found each other. I need you to pull me back up so I can walk side-by-side with you. I need you because you need me through all the heartaches that we've been through.

You're my side-kick remember? Of course, you remember.

But I forgot. I forgot because I was lost. I forgot because I am careless. I forgot because I am lonely. I forgot because I was selfish. But I am here. And I will be here. Even if you go astray, I will chase after you.

This is a promise i made to my heart. A promise that I once broke. A promise that breaks us apart. One day, you will know.

See see see!

My kinda guy!

Like you, you know who you are.

New Years Resolution Much?

I figured it out. I figured out our relationship. We are the happiest together when we are apart. Together we are detrimental to one another. It took me some time to get here and I don't know how I did it but I figured out you and me.

It goes to the basics. You and I are motivated by one thing in life, that is success. You and I both live for our dreams and passions. We have strong urge to follow what is in our desired dreams. When we met each other, our universes collided. The attraction, the powerlessness, the paralysis, the desire, the pain, the lust, the need was there yet it was hopelessly unworkable. To pursue that desire would translate to giving up part of our devotion to what we do in real life. The harder we would try to pursue one another the more we would get lost and disappointed in each other and in ourselves. Each one of us would hate to see the other give up the devotion to what we do. Because one would know how much the one valued it. We loved watching each other succeed yet the more we would succeed the more we would get separated from each other...

You were strong, I was weak. You made me feel completely weak... The more we would try to fit in and try to get together, the more each one of us would get disappointed and sad that the other one wasn't real. And it drove us to insanity, to bully each other, to close up, to lose sight of reality and we were disintegrating as people. The environments we grew up in planted different dreams in us and we were deeply devoted to them.

Although you have been faithful to me, I have betrayed you. I have broken promises. I don't know what I see in life anymore. One year apart, grew us apart. And I am becoming a person you no longer know. Our efforts became meaningless, our hopes and dreams went down the drain. But yet we are still here.

To see you with someone who can make you happy and would put a smile on your face and help you fulfil all your dreams would give me a sense of unbearable lightness. I was never big enough to fill your shoes and may be yours were just too big to fit into mine, but i have come to a realization that no matter how big your shoes are, your happiness is key to mine. I swear I still love you, you Joker. You are my new year's resolution and life-long happiness, know that! Happy New Year.

One week Holiday!

Thank gawd I took a whole week of holiday. A tiring week of basic medical sciences course in UM. Gosh, only if anyone can understand how stressed I am about the course and the exam that is coming up in a few months. A really tiring week full of ups and downs.

The heart desires to be a specialist so badly. Especially after finding out someone i idolize was in the TV discussing about an awesome surgical case. I really wanna be somebody someday. I really do.

Also, the heart is split now. I dont know what happened to me. Had a big fight with my bestfriend. A bestfriend that I have been dedicating this blog to all this while. The bestfriend that encourages me to write a blog whenever I am lonely and lost. The bestfriend that I wanted to tell all my secrets to. But I doubt he reads it now. I doubt he remembers this. But thats not the point.

The point is:
This time its about what I did wrong.
Its about broken promises.
Its about betrayal.
Im afraid of losing him.
Im afraid he wouldnt want me anymore.

And the whole conclusion to this all:
I've go one week holiday to figure this all out. Thank gawd.

English?

IELTS? TOEFL? MUET? Whats the point of this all.
Cant wait to get this over with.

Woot woot

My lappie is back on track. Yay!!! The joy of replacing that crooked old cable is just like I got myself a brand new Macbook. Pffft. But still weee. Now I can go online in my lonely cold office and start blogging again.

Say hello again to thisisizzy!

Read this.

You cried and I dont know what to do. But I know one thing is sure,
I never want to lose you.