Monday, April 13, 2015

Unsent letter...

Dear Farizul,

Some time this month, 2 years ago, was the day I first chatted with you. From the moment we started talking, I knew I wanted you around. And after seeing you that very first night in the airport, I already knew I wanted you around forever. Two months it took for us to learn about each other from a distance. And two days together. That’s all it took. Two days for me to fall in love with you, to give myself to you. Now, we are forever apart. But what’s forever apart after 6 months being together like that – 6 months of kindness and purity, of believing in hopes and having faith in building dreams together. Just 6 months with you and I am severely affected by you quitting and chickening out. You made me a promise. A pinky promise. A promise I knew you would keep. But boy was I wrong. Everything I thought I knew were beautiful and true, turned out fake. Lies.

You left so suddenly. You didn’t call or message. Knowing that any communication with me at that time would have changed your mind. You’re a coward. And so full of yourself. You thought so little of the relationship that you couldn’t even call to explain yourself. You thought so little of me that its so easy for you to come in and walk out just like that. You thought so little of me like I am nothing, just a piece of meat that you break and then dispose of. You broke me. I gave out every truth and purity. And you were supposed to be my last, to be the one that is going to stay no matter what comes. But you broke yourself, you broke your own promises, and you broke me.

“Love is an outpouring of everything goodness in you – of kindness and consideration, respect and calmness”. I have lost all that with you. I could not be kind to you and I was not calm. How could I respect you then? I guess you are right. We have lost the love. The love has died. What we had was magic and could have been truly beautiful. But you got selfish and impatient. You’re disrespectful, bitter, cruel, and inconsiderate. You’re childish and heartless. For the sake of Allah, I pray that you get out of this hole you dug 6 feet under.

Two years it has been since we first talked. Two days to fall in love. And two heartbreaking moments. That's all it took. Now, this is just another tragedy. A sweet calamity. You decided to leave. You decided to screw up. I should not be the one stuck in this unfortunate event. If, in how ever circumstance, that you are reading this. I just want you to know, Thank You for leaving me. For if it weren’t for you, I would not have understood the purpose of Life and the beauty of understanding It.

Yours truly.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Another Irony

So its been 1 year. Or so.. Since I last came in here to post up shit stuffs. Yup, shitty worldly lame stuff. But glad I have abandoned this while still have the opportunity to come back and reflect on shitty things. Its ironic, really. How this life is. But, carpe diem! Teddy was awesome! Hush now. Like autumn leaves. Float down. Like 747 

Monday, March 17, 2014

How ironic...

Today, exactly a year ago, I received the same kind of treatment from this same kind of species, called Men. The only difference now is that I realized, this time around, I will not allow anybody taking advantage of me.

"Why do we fall, sir? So we could learn to pick ourselves up." - Thank you for always reminding me this famous quote by Alfred.

Enough is just enough.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Pinky promises, are you still in?

Dear sayang,

What happen to us? I feel like we have lost touch of each other completely. I feel so lost and clueless. I'm sorry if there's anything that slipped my tongue which hurts you. I'm sorry if I did something that hurts you. But I seriously need clarification for this act of yours towards me. Things have become worse right now. I can't cope with them myself. We don't talk to each other like this. We don't lie and we don't hide from each other. That's always been our stand. To trust and to be trusted. There's something in my heart that is not calm. There's something that has been eating my happiness away. Something stealing my focus and drive to wake up everyday. I feel so lifeless. I have been struggling to earn your love. I didn't realize that I can't force it from you. Please understand that I never want this to happen. I hope and pray that one day we could love each other better.

How do you look at the person you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away? 

Monday, December 16, 2013

Liars in denial.

When you miss someone so badly, and you cant do anything - you want, but you cant, thats patience and faith in you. But what if you miss someone, you can - but you chose not to do anything about it. That is just being in denial. A liar. 

Honestly, I miss him. I miss him all the time. Its different this time around because I feel like I am not missed back. Unlike those days when I can barely hear his voice. Just the thought of him in my head, gives me the sense of his presence in me. Gives me the serenity, the patience and the strength. 

Nowadays, he's around. Always. And all the time. He hasn't gone or been to anywhere else, in fact his existence is very within reach. But I feel like he is not here. I could see him physically, I could hear his voice, but I can barely feel his presence. 

Truth? I feel like I lost him. And I'm terrified right now. Because the idea of losing him scares the hell out of me. I never want to lose him. I guess I'm being a liar now. A liar in denial. But a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do. I know I have to go through this phase. Because once a man pull away - like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come springing back all on his own. And this is all just a phase. Afterall, men are from mars and women from venus. 

I wish it was all that easy. The whole thing seems to imply that I should be mean to him to keep each other. Repulsive isnt it? These relationship seems perverse to me. Like it is not love. I know the need of boundaries and space, but this seems to be more about control and neurosis than love. Its an unhealthy, immature, narcissistic, dysfunctional relationship fraught with negative energies and power struggles. Isn't it?

Why can't I have a genuine intimacy? A type that has dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity with each other. Why can't we have a partnership centered and grounded in seeking to understand each other and allowing each other to know us. Accepting, respectful, and empathetic towards each other. Is it distance that is stopping all of this? All I want is to have a life partner that is of equals, having the intimacy which evolves through mutual self-disclosure and sincerity that are based on shared values, wants, needs, and goals. I understand that we can have different temperaments, strengths, vulnerabilities, and emotional histories, which can create issues, but still. I know our differences can be appreciated and cherished with a partner who is flexible, collaborative, accepting, honest, compassionate, supportive, fair, equal, reliable, and loving.

But in this situation right now, I have no idea where we stand in each other. Maybe I am the one to be lacking so much. Maybe I am blaming the long distance relationship.But then, it takes two to tango. Because, he can be flexible, collaborative, accepting, reliable and loving. But if we dont have the dialogue, if we're not transparent, if we can't cooperate and compromise to our vulnerability, what is this partnership we call love then?  

We are just liars in denial. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Idle Hands

"Work keeps our minds active. It keeps us out of trouble. When we're not working, our hands are idle and the Devil will find work for the idle hands to do. And when you have an idle mind,  thats the Devil's playground too. At first, idleness can seem like a welcome distraction. The troublemaking and the fun. Everyone needs some idle time to focus on something other than work. Even if it means focusing on something thats a little bit scary. Stepping back from work is the only way to get perspective. And its only when we have everything in perspective that we remember where our hands truly belong."

Ive been keeping my hands and mind idle for a very long time. I lost track of myself and my sense of perspective. I forgot how to smile, laugh and be the best version of myself. Or at least try to be the best and be happy doing so the same time. All because I let the Devil took over me and my whole life. I hurt and frustrate people around me. I chase them out. And I even scare some of them away. 

But when one weight been lifted, I remembered to take a step back. I can take everything into perspective. And I could finally see everything that was once blinded by the Devil's visions. I realized that I have been missing out on a lot in life. And I am grateful for those who stayed and held my hands stronger than ever. 

My hands were idle. But I have everything in perspective now. And I guess thats how I know where my hands truly belong now. 

Friday, November 15, 2013

Love-hate relationship.

This song is truly a depiction of my passion for what I am doing now and hopefully in the future untill I retire as a respected someone.

I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a Lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down. My three words have two meanings. There's one thing on my mind; it's all for you.
It's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now.

I'm out of touch. I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight. I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now.

I'm gonna paint you by numbers and color you in. If things go right, we can frame it and put you on a wall. And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before. Now I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours.

Don't hold me down. I think my braces are breaking, and it's more than I can take. And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now.

I'm out of touch. I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight. I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done I will love you better now.

It has been, by far, the weirdest 2 months struggle of my life. I know I am nowhere near good right now. But I accept all the challenges that comes and the criticisms around. It's only a process of struggling with shits through time that I will eventually be good. And I am happy, glad and proud to be going through this. Because I know, I’m just gonna come back stronger than ever. Thank you for all the shits you put me through. 

It is after all a love-hate relationship.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

No poetic letter.

"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like beautiful music"- Søren Kierkegaard

I knew the day would come when he had to leave. Again. Leave again for work in the middle of the deep-sea, seafaring through rough swells. And I am well aware that when this day comes, I have no choice except to put on my brave and strong self. But to no avail, I fell short. Short and disparaging to a point where I had to sigh and cry those three letter words to myself, I love you; I miss you, wishing that you would hear those cries. I don’t like that we are 1179 miles apart. I don’t like the brief 5 minutes call from the vague noisy satellite phone call. I don’t like looking through all our photos before sleep. And I certainly don’t like not having you by my side.

Nonetheless, I am delighted with the fact that we are still in similar time zones. I am excited to see your name appearing on my caller id every time my phone rings even if it’s just once in 2 days. I am captivated by your smile in all of the photos we shared. And even though you are not around, knowing that we are still in each others’ hearts gives me the warmth and calamity I longed for.

Tonight, I don’t wish to be poetic. I just wanna let these sighs and cries pass over without any music at all and to let you know that I have been happy despite them all.

And by them all, I refer to our long distance, our brief phone conversations, and the fact that we get to spend time together only 3 times a year. I am happy with holding on to the pictures of you, spending quality time through facetime, seeing you in the tiny screen of my phone, wearing your jerseys and sweaters whenever I needed your warmth.

I’m glad to have found you now, rather than before. I may not have seen all of you but you share with me the best of you and the worst of you. I have come to learn to appreciate that God puts us in situations so that we can become who we are now in each others’ lives. I came into your life at the right time, with the right reasons, and the right feelings. Even though we're so different, I have always believed that you are the yin to my yang. And I am so glad to have you in my life now, and hopefully in years to come. I promised to love you through thick and thin. Thank you for coming into my life and making it a better place to live in.

And know that I have nothing else I look forward to but your return. Sail home safe, my dear. 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

A love letter, A goodbye note

Dear sayang,

Just a few hours left before u embark on an amazing journey sayang..a journey that will change your life forever..u will face and meet new friends, learning new cultures, and i hope u will settle down fast and adopt the change..and i believe u will do just fine :) 

there are times that you will miss home, stressed out from work, assignments, lectures, on calls, experience fatigue..remember! not to loose hope and faith..u must stay strong..keep in mind the reason u r there at the 1st prove to people that u can be a great omfs surgeon..and dont forget ur prayers syg..(which also apply to me as well..)
Ill always be there for you sayang..even if im out of reach because im sailing..remember that i'll always be inside your you all the support you need..this might be a test from test our relationship before we proceed to another stage of our life..lets do our very best, not trying to bend it until broken but build it as strong and flexible as we can ever imagine..

As we step to our new journey, my prayers is always with you sayang..praying for your safety, health, success and not forgotten our relationship.. 

So i wish you all the best..good luck and bon voyage!!sorry because i cant send you to the airport..sending flying kisses and love from labuan

Much love from your bestfriend, your partner, your lover.

Farizul azlan hasnu ❤

Dear Sayang,

This has to be short and straight forward. But I hope its sweet enough to let you know that I am all out ready to embark on our journey that we dream. Allthough you are not here to help or send me off amidst all these crazy things that I have to prepare for this transfer, I feel ur strength, ur love and ur warmth. Thank you for accepting and loving who I am, however I am, whatever I am. I hope this new place trains me to be a better person, a more loving one for you, and for my family and friends. 

In case I am not reachable for whatever reason, I hope this message reaches you and reminds you that I love you, I miss you and I cant wait till the next time I see you. Take care of yourself. 

Much love from your bestfriend, your partner, your lover. 

Izzati nabilah ismail 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

A bit of Sugar to our Bland contingency

This is what I came up with when you tell me to list down our pinky promises so that we wont miss out on them:


Truth is we can never come up with any list of our pinky promises because we are living it, sayang. Trust me. We are living it as we speak, blog, chat, read, sleep, eat, run, stare, cry, laugh, fight, kiss, hug, walk, fly, swim, work, rest and everything else in between. 

P.s: I super love you. And I crazy miss you.  

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Truth is,

“Love is an outpouring of everything good in you - of kindness and consideration and respect -- not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. It can release in you strength, courage, goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had. Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.” – John Steinbeck

My life has become a mess of technology – texts, messengers, facetime, phone calls, emails - anything to get me closer to this person that I find so funny, so alluring, so attractive and so heart-warming. He writes me random love notes, sends me his photos, and shares stories and awkward videos that he finds amusing. I write him prose, send him photos of my surroundings, and share with him songs, books and stories. We could fall asleep staring at each other in those tiny screen, we could run errands and work while having the facetime call still on.

Every story, every laugh, every quip and every reference brings me one step closer to knowing a person who is more in tune with me than I ever thought possible. We talk of being poles apart amid having different lifestyles and the diversity of our stories, staving off tears of how fate had brought us together. We plan the years we will have together and the dreams we aspire. We giggle and hide behind our hands as we troll each other when we inadvertently found gags on each other. We laugh. We cry. We love.

Every morning I awake, torn by bitter-sweet thoughts - that I will be spending my first spring and winter freezing in the chill without my love, and just hoping to be one step closer to spending my whole life with him. I yearn for that one day when I travel to the airport in my prettiest self. My head plays the moment when he emerges from the arrival gate over, and over, and over again. Just like I had when I first met him. I can already feel his arms around me.

Every day my prayers goes out to his safety and well being, and that he would return home safe. Each day, I feel my chest tighten and my heart swell. Shatter. Repair. Repeat. I stare at the calendar and wonder on a date when I could finally hear from him, his voice, and his being. I crave for that day when I could place my hands in his, when he could forehead kiss me, and salvage that security I have always longed for.

We’re seas apart. But we try to share as much as we can so we could have that sense of being in each other’s lives. We make full use of the limited time we may well share. We cherish the narrow hours of being connected.  We hold on to this bond of moving seas between the shores of our souls. A bond that ignorance, time and geography cannot break. After all, he’s the yang to my yin.

Truth is… I miss him. All the time, every second, every minute, every hour, every day. I hope he knows that.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Homesick... for your home.

Friday. It was not a typical good night for me. As of post Iftar with family at home, I went up straight to bed. It wasn’t a tiring day but it felt as if I have not slept for days. I slept through the night without bothering to bring my phone along. I don’t have that sense of need to be dragging and carrying it anywhere I go these past few days. It was a short 2 hours sleep but I felt like I had a 2 nights sleep. The moment I woke up, it was already 11.30pm. And I suddenly felt the urgency to rush and search for my phone. I went downstairs looking for it and the battery was drained, so I charged it. To my surprise, I received 4 miscalls from a long unknown number. I googled the code number and found out it was from a satellite phone call from a ship to shore. Heart was devastated to know that I failed to notice all the calls.

I miss you. I miss you like crazy. I can’t talk about it to anybody. I can’t be showing my emotions. I can’t be telling people how difficult it is for me. It sucks. They all suck. I feel like I’m all alone on my own and have no one to hold on to.

This time around, it’s the first time you went off shore since we first last met. It feels so different. It feels so difficult too. No words can really describe this now. No one can really understand what I’m going through now. And I’m writing here because it’s worth sharing to you the things that I have to go through, the feelings I felt when you weren’t around. This tingling feeling at the back of my throat, this tears trickling down my cheeks, this runny nose that keeps me breathless, they’re worth all. So long as I can hear your voice for 2 minutes and hear you laugh and giggle, while you hear my sobbing happy voice.

Sayang, I’m surrounded by family and friends and so many other things to do, and so many places to go. For you to have to stay at one place, doing the same thing, seeing the same people, eating the same thing, for days weeks and months, I can only have so much respect towards you. I could not imagine myself going through that. I’d be crazy. So I thank you for all the patience, and strength and sanity to go through this, all for our pinky promises. I will do so much to make all of this work.

Because in the end, you love me. And I love you. And you’re worth all the waits and sacrifices.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I do...

...wanna be loved.

" Your heart's against my chest 
Lips pressed to my neck 
I've fallen for your eyes 
But they don't know me yet 
And the feeling I forget 
I'm in love now "

It may sound cliché' but this feels like being in love. It really does. It is not just a loophole or an escape. It is not just an idea of falling in love. Instead, it is the settling down. It is the assurance and the commitment. It is the safety you're giving. It is being your lady. And yes, I want it from you. Just you. 

So take this kiss and lets forget about the rest of it. Lets watch our lives together. Cause do you remember? We pinky promised.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Reevaluating love...

“Love is a grave mental disease.” At least that’s how Plato put it. And while anyone who’s ever been ‘in love’ might see some truth to this statement, there is a critical mistake made here. Love is not a mental disease. Desire is.

If being ‘in love’ means our lives are in pieces and we are completely broken, miserable, utterly consumed, hardly able to function, and willing to sacrifice everything, chances are it’s not love. Despite what we are taught in popular culture, true love is not supposed to make us like drug addicts.

And so, contrary to what we’ve grown up watching in movies, that type of all-consuming obsession is not love. It goes by a different name. It is hawa—the word used in the Quran to refer to one’s lower, vain desires and lusts. Allah describes the people who blindly follow these desires as those who are most astray: “But if they answer you not, then know that they only follow their own lusts (hawa). And who is more astray than the one who follows his own lusts, without guidance from Allah?” (28: 50)

By choosing to submit to our hawa over the guidance of Allah, we are choosing to worship those desires. When our love for what we crave is stronger than our love for Allah, we have taken that which we crave as a lord. Allah says: “Yet there are men who take (for worship) others besides Allah, as equal (with Allah): They love them as they should love Allah. But those of Faith are overflowing in their love for Allah.” (2:165)

If our ‘love’ for something makes us willing to give up our family, our dignity, our self-respect, our bodies, our sanity, our peace of mind, our deen, and even our Lord who created us from nothing, know that we are not ‘in love’. We are slaves.

Of such a person Allah says: “Do you see such a one as takes his own vain desires (hawa) as his lord? Allah has, knowing (him as such), left him astray, and sealed his hearing and his heart, and put a cover on his sight. (45: 23)

Imagine the severity. To have one’s sight, hearing and heart all sealed. Hawa is not pleasure. It is a prison. It is a slavery of the mind, body and soul. It is an addiction and a worship. Beautiful examples of this reality can be found throughout literature. In Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations, Pip exemplifies this point. In describing his obsession with Estella, he says: “I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.”

Dickens’ Miss Havisham describes this further: “I’ll tell you…what real love is. It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to the smiter – as I did!”

What Miss Havisham describes here is in fact real. But it is not real love. It is hawa. Real love, as Allah intended it, is not a sickness or an addiction. It is affection and mercy. Allah says in His book: “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an 30: 21)

Real love brings about calm—not inner torment. True love allows you to be at peace with yourself and with God. That is why Allah says: “that you may dwell in tranquility.” Hawa is the opposite. Hawa will make you miserable. And just like a drug, you will crave it always, but never be satisfied. You will chase it to your own detriment, but never reach it. And though you submit your whole self to it, it will never bring you happiness.

So while ultimate happiness is everyone’s goal, it is often difficult to see past the illusions and discern love from hawa. One fail-safe way, is to ask yourself this question: Does getting closer to this person that I ‘love’ bring me closer to—or farther from—Allah? In a sense, has this person replaced Allah in my heart?

True or pure love should never contradict or compete with one’s love for Allah. It should strengthen it. That is why true love is only possible within the boundaries of what Allah has made permissible. Outside of that, it is nothing more than hawa, to which we either submit or reject. We are either slaves to Allah, or slaves to our hawa. It cannot be both.

Only by struggling against false pleasure, can we attain true pleasure. They are by definition mutually exclusive. For that reason, the struggle against our desires is a prerequisite for the attainment of paradise. Allah says: “But as for he who feared the position of his Lord and prevented the soul from [unlawful] inclination, then indeed, Paradise will be [his] refuge.” (Qur’an, 79: 40-41)

-Yasmin Mogahed.

So, once again. Where does this take me? What does this make me? How does this affect me? Who does this bring me to? Guide me. 

Monday, June 3, 2013

A Heart Aint A Brain.

"The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable: they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed." - Ernest Hemingway

I have heard and seen so many beautiful love stories, realities and fantasies altogether, about persons who make them feel complete, gives them so much of themselves, provides them the comfort, security, and merely the possession of treasured endowment of love. But that was never my story. I was always entangled in their verdicts. They put me in their sealed traps and dragged me further down into their faux pass. Torturing me so. Asphyxiated in my own blunder, I knew I need to crawl out of this egoistical world.  A loophole is all I need.
It’s amusing and a blessing that I found you in my times of misery. After all the heartwarming, revealing and insightful conversations we had, I found a soft spot for you. Never have I thought that this would bring me so much joy, comfort and nearly the possession of love - at least at this moment right now. I appreciate all your naked truths, even though there were some obvious offensive nuisances. This weak heart of mine is gathering all the courage to take the risk of accepting your nuisance. In hopes that this approval of offends will help you cringe back to the righteous path. I want to believe that these won’t only help you, but me as well, especially in making wise choices and sacrifices. It’s no denying that I have spent countless hours doubting – Is this what I want? Am I prepared? It’s a scary thing and truth be told, there was a never a day that I don’t feel scared about it. But then again, I remember how our dreams collide, those perfect dreams that you and I are willing to strive. It only makes me want to devote myself.

What I am trying to say is, you gave me the loophole to all my miseries and predicament in the strangest time. I don’t understand your purposes, and I don’t ever need to know them. All that matter is that I am glad fate brought me to you. You are my loophole, you are all I need.  

So yes, a heart is not a brain. And sometimes, fate and dreams can collide.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

a rope worth holding...

He never just had a part of me, he had all of me. I wrapped myself up in his being and it wasn’t surprising when he did the same. Our lives became entwined with a mix of our bests, and our worsts. I’m not scared nor do I feel robbed. I guess I feel a little confused on how something that consuming couldn’t make it to the end.

Here I am now thinking about what lies ahead. To have my string back from the entwined rope, it just doesn’t seem right. I feel vulnerable and not as strong. What I keep forgetting is that it’s not impossible to entwine myself with another rope. So many people don’t want to change, they want to move on and still be the same person. I’ve felt that way for such a long time. Now I feel like the only answer is forgetting..

If I was willing to give that much of myself to him at one time, I shouldn’t be selfish enough to ask for it back. And I shouldn’t be shallow enough to expect another girl to love his leftovers. I have to create something for her to love that isn’t marked by his and mine. I don’t need to hate him in the process either.

This is all ok to feel but theres a day when that strand of rope is knotted and then the new piece forms. Different lengths and different strengths. They're all the same rope. I just need to decide which piece I feel the safest holding when I fall. Right?

Afterall, thats what I've always wanted. For someone to catch me when i fall...

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Going strong...

I’ve just watched a "relationship" that I truly believed was so caring and resilient, crumble in front of my eyes. There was nothing I could do to change the way he felt, I couldn’t change the choice he made. I gave it all I could, but this time it wasn’t enough. It was just over, just like that. Yet knowing these blunt facts, I’m still haunted by the ‘what if’s?’ that expand my doubts. 

Learning to block out these dangerously over-whelming thoughts and replace them with the acceptance that I’m never getting back what I had, hasn’t exactly been the healthiest or easiest journey. Nor has it helped lessened how absolutely drained and heart broken I am after this.

Good people leave, it happens. I’m learning that it’s not to make us weak but to instead strengthen us. These people walk out on us to allow better people to take their place. To fill in all the gaps the previous person wasn’t able to fill.

I don’t know how long it’ll take or how many hits and misses I’ll experience before this better person makes himself apparent, but I do know that when that person comes, I’ll be happy that I made the choice to endure this pain they call ‘moving on’ rather than holding on to the fake hope that the previous person led me to believe that maybe one day we’ll pick up where we left off. 

Last October I had my first thoughts. Only now I know how right I was. This was , too good to be true.

And I’m glad.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Your decision.

I want to tell you a story, dear friend. A story about a complicated but true love.

Since the beginning I know you, I have always stood by you. Since the beginning I know that at that moment when I fell in love with you, you have few other girls with you. One of them is the girl in Miri, the sexy girl from Kualalalalumpur. I remember how paranoid and jealous I was whenever she called or messaged you. How you would just leave me alone for awhile and go to a hiding behind the walls, just to talk to her not in front of me. The pain and the heartache that I had to endure when you said it don't mean anything and that I am the only girl you want to be with, and that I am the only best friend you could ever have. My eyes saw everything, but my heart refused to believe it. You went to Miri chasing after her and telling me what not to do, telling me not to disturb you and telling me not to find you until you find me. I was depressed, I was hurt but I stayed strong because I wanted to believe everything you told me was true. When you came back, you said you learned a lesson. It opened your heart that all you ever wanted was me. At that time, that sense of burden i felt about you was just lifted. I don't get it at that time because I wanted to believe you were a good guy. With all the stories you told me about your past and how I felt secured and in love with how much I can trust you, I just thought to myself that you are an amazing lovely guy that seems lost. And I came to rescue you. I was happy and proud to be your savior.

Little did I know, you kept doing what you do best. Without my knowledge, you befriended and flirted with other girls. Dayang Z was one I knew about. You never mentioned about her until you were caught in the act. Desperate I wanted to know the truth, I went behind your back. Your life was just so messed up. You said I was the only partner in your life, your side-kick, your everything. But you lied. I stayed by your side through out your whole mess. I worked hard trying to save you from all this stupid mess that you can make. I taught you the meaning of true love. I guided you to success and better improvement of yourself. I nurtured you to the meaning of good life. I trained you to loyalty and trust. I shaped you to be a better man. I stayed by you to save you. I was your teacher, I was your brother, I was your guidance, and I was your trainer. That my friend, is the meaning of true friend and true love.

When we got distance, I believed that you would chase after me instead. I believed that you would be my teacher, my guidance, my trainer, my sister. But did you? We talked when you were not so busy with your life. We messaged but I would have to wait for your respond. Like a lonely fool I was, clinging on to you, depending on you, needing you to be my savior. I was hurt when you told me to not depend on you so much, to not wait for you so much, to be strong by myself. When you came down to KL, I was over the top delighted with happiness. We would spend the whole day out, just reliving back the brief moments we had in Kuching. We could only spent time together very briefly after a few months of being away and that was never enough for me. We had so little time to teach each other, to guide, to train and to be a brother and sister to each other, that we finally forgot that THAT was the basis of our relationship. Nevertheless, I trusted what you did in Kuching without me. I trusted that you would never do wrong to me.

For me, living a life with you is all I ever wanted from you. I wanted you to marry me and be with me in Kuantan. I wanted my man to be my side all the time, going through all the good things and bad things in life. But you rejected me many times. For you, it was always about money and timing. But for me, I believe we can make it if we are together, sharing and going through it together. I remember how I got really furious and really frustrated when you said I was NOT the number one person in your life. I remembered exactly what you said to me "You expect you apa? No 1 dalam my life? You takda ranking dalam my life. You jauh kat sana. My life kat sini. My parents are number 1. My motosikal, my computer, my handphone are number 2". Those were your exact words. Like a fool, I cried. You tried to console me by saying "...but you are in my heart always". I remember those words till this day. I was so crushed. I was so frustrated. I tawar hati. And ever since then, I promised to myself to live my life here in Kuantan as much as I can. I promised to myself to live in the moment. I promised to myself to open up my heart to the present. Appreciate the present and appreciate what is right in front of me.

And so I began a new life alone in Kuantan. Of course, draggingly, I love you still. Who can drastically change a loving heart? No one, not even a broken heart. My love for you stays the same. But day by day, I began to slowly accept that me and you are never gonna happen in the future. I even stopped asking about marriage. I lived my life in Kuantan like a single girl. And one day, an opportunity comes when a guy tickled my heart and made me happy. I took him in. I accepted his presence, I accepted him in my life in the present. And for once, I opened my heart for another person other than you. You realized you were close to losing me so you came to me and you begged. I couldn't do anything about it, my heart was stoned. I ignored your begs and cries. It was not the right thing to do, but I had my reasons to do that. I knew you and me are worlds apart if we ever wanna settle down and get married. I knew you were reluctant to leave Kuching and move with me in Kuantan, even when you know that staying in Kuantan is the only choice I have - at least while I am still under contract with UIA. You knew that I wanted to grow old in Kuching with you but you were still reluctant to accept me in the future. I knew you never really wanted to marry me. I knew you really think of me as just a good friend, a side-kick, a right hand. When you cried, I see it in your eyes that you cried and begged for me to come back for just one reason. That is, you're afraid of losing me, a person you are so comfortable with, a person who accepts you for who you are no matter what. I see it in your eyes you were just scared of losing the person i have become for you. Your teacher, your trainer, your guidance, your brother.

I was firm with my decision. And I didn't let your cries and begs pull me down and fall into your tricks. You chose to stay by my side, trying to be a good friend. I can't really even imagine the pain you have to go through to see me with someone else but you stayed. I don't understand it at that time why you chose to stay.

Then, I began to wonder, why do you really stay? If it really hurts to see me with someone else, if you really love me so much, why do you really stayed by my side? No one can really stood by if one is truly madly deeply in love with that person knowing that person has someone else. The pain is unbearable and the logic is that no one can bear that pain. Eventually, the weak heart would step back, and let go. At least, thats how I am.

But now I'm beginning to understand. You don't love me. You never do. What you have towards me is not how people would define love. You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't want from me the same things I want from you. That is why you bear with the pain, because the pain that you're feeling is not as painful as losing someone you truly madly deeply in love. Your heart wasn't crushed. Your heart didn't go weak. Because, instead of having your love towards me grow, instead of trying hard and fighting hard to get me back, instead of doing all the things I did earlier when you weren't being faithful to me, your heart suddenly goes astray and you found someone else.

And now that you did found someone else, my heart breaks like how it did a few times before back then. My heart crushed and I almost went crazy. I couldn't eat for days. My studies has gone hay-wired. I haven't had any real sleep. And everything in my life now went just ballistic. From you crying and begging for me, now I am the one crying and begging for you back. It seems like Karma but is it really? Think about it, its not karma. Its just how you are. What did you do when you called me up? You pretended like nothing happened. You scolded me when I told you my heart missed you. You shouted at me when I was being a desperate fool trying to win you back. You said I was stupid and childish. You forced me to stay friends. Days goes by like a tsunami for me. You kept on mentioning her to me and telling me what to do and what not to do, just like you did when we started our relationship. You told me not to disturb her, you told me not to find you until you find me. And it felt a dejavu. I have been through this before. I have felt this pain before. And I just feel like my life is controlled and screwed over by you again.

Yes! I made a mistake of opening my heart to another guy when all I ever love was you. I made a mistake to be firm with my life when you came to me crying and begging. I made a mistake to let my heart be stoned. I made one huge mistake to you. One. And to compare with all the girls I have to fight for you back then, to accept you with all the heartbreaks you gave me, and to love you still, i made one mistake. One silly mistake. And here I am, asking from you for one chance. One chance where we can make things right, make our hearts feel right, once and for all. One chance where me and you could think things over.

You were always like this all these while. Always having so many girls around your life. The ego and the stubborn of a heart of yours, the heart that never really has heart for me. I feel like what happened between us in Kuching, how we got together just happened because I was there needing a friend in a lonely land and you just wanted a companion after being screwed by the Miri girl. Its like I was there just to fill your time. It was nothing really serious for you.

I feel like a fool now screwing over my life just because of you. Over and over again. I feel like a fool being with you.

I did say people change and that hurt you the most. But people change to adapt to environment. People change when something arouse you to change. I change because I was frustrated with multiple rejections from you. I change so I can adapt in my life here in Kuantan, so I can focus on my own life. But my heart has never change, not even a slightest bit. And as far as I can see, because you feel like you lost me, you're back being the playboy you used to be. What I want from you all this while always and still stays the same. I still want you to love me as much as I love you. I still want you to marry me and live a happy life together. That is all I ever ask from you. To be my teacher, to be my trainer, to be my guidance, to be my sister. Just as much as I want to be your teacher, to be your trainer, to be your guidance, to be your brother.

I can't stay to be your bestfriend if what you have towards me is not the same as what I have towards you. I can't be your bestfriend when all I ever wanted is to have a future, a family and babies with you. I hope you can understand that.

What I'm asking from you now is for you to decide. If you love me so much with all your heart, so much that you can't live without me, so much that you can't see yourself ever being with anyone else, then, marry me! Marry your true friend. Stop all this foolish games and stay with me for the rest of our lives.

But if you don't, if you can see yourself marrying and being happy with someone else, then let me go. Don't keep me locked in this love triangle that I am for sure going to lose. I am prepared to lose you all along. I have been since I first knew you. I am prepared to let go of what my heart is craving for. I am prepared to give my heart a rest for myself. I am prepared to do this once and for all.

So you choose. It's your decision.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Another sleepless night.

Hope is just gone when I hear you say those words

"I betul betul sayang dia"



How do i live now? What do i do if the heart is not there anymore?

My heart is aching like someone just drilled my sternum and ripped my ribcage apart and crushed my heart.

Everything is aching now. Like a zombie I will be. Ugly. Starving for another heart. Desperate.

But soon, the heart will die. And free I will be.

And when that time comes, like a butterfly I will rise. Beautiful. Elegant. And up high.