I just love you.

Words demand explanation. They require analysis. They are the construction and expression of my thoughts. Of my heart. But they can't describe it. They can't describe any of it. They can't tell you how deep the memories are, or how often I think of them. They can't scream what I really want to say. They are the mask of how I really feel and they try to disguise the pain. But somehow, someone will strip it away. And someone will make those words worthless.

So what is a word worth? Nothing. What are three words worth? Nothing. But we say them anyway, because you know! You know more than anyone what they mean. You know when I say I love you, I really mean that those three words can't describe what it is we have. When I say you're amazing, I know the word is just a cover; a quick way for me to remember all the things that amaze me about you, a mask for the memories we share, a disguised version of our adventures together. And I really believe that you know, when I say I miss you, it's not just that. I miss you every moment, and I miss just what your name means to me. It means an alphabet of sounds and letters and words. But none of them really mean anything, because words are based on trust, they rely on how truly and deeply we feel.

Remember, always, that they don't mean anything, they are letters and they are constructions, but we deconstruct them every day and we twist them; we manipulate them so that they say what we want them to. But no word, no shape, no photograph could ever begin to explain even a little bit of how I feel.

Much love.

Speaking of unhealthy lifestyle...

Well, yesterday, I began blogging again. And it strikes to me that i havent been living a healthy lifestyle since I moved out from Kuching. I havent been regularly jogging. In fact, last i remembered, I only jogged once since I really moved out from Kuching and that was one lonely stressful night, exactly a week before my Royal college of surgeons exam. I flunked, by the way. Hope I can retake and pass the exam. I have been continuing the revision.

Speaking of living life unhealthily, I have been eating foods that are too sweet for my bloodstream, and too fattening fod my tummy and hips. Junk foods and fast foods are becoming a regular meal. And i vow to myself I will restrain from all these things that are corrupting my life. I am planning to get myself a real weight scale, but i havent really got the chance to get it.

Anyway, i jogged this morning. While everyone in the city being overly ambitious, rushing to work, here i am in this small town called Indera Mahkota, having a nice stroll of morning fresh air. Ahh, so serene! Well, after a reckless weekend with eating, restless nights thinking that my tummy are getting flabbier, I finally am able to force myself to get up at 6, to prepare myself for a freshful morning jog. I forgot how great it feels like to be doing this, once upon a time. Im planning to get myself some breakfast, before i really starve for lunch. And hopefully, with this blogspot standing by me, I keep myself straight, forward, and positive towards aiming my 30 wishlists.

30 before 30

I recently found this blog post entitled 30 before 30 while I was blog-hopping on a boring Sunday. It speaks of accomplishments, inspiration, just the will to live. It inspires me to write again, after so many months of abandoning the blogging world.

On a typical Sunday noon, I would be reading, focusing on my studies. But not today. As of today, I'm blog hopping as i happily would, googling the images of twinkle twinkle little lights. I have always loved colorful, twinkling lights at night. I remember I would get really excited when my parents would bring us out at night for a drive to the city, to look at the lights hanging on the trees & roadsides, and the tall buildings with lights. I friggin love them. 

At this age (I’m 25 now, another 4 months to hit 26), I dreamed of having my own house, designing them as vintage as I could, and would love every angle of the house that I would live in with a person that I love, tolerable enough to live as modest as we want. There’s this lovely image that I have in my head that I can’t wait to let it out and make them a reality. I imagine my life beyond 30. I marvel a lot on what I could accomplish, what I wish to possess, how I fancy my life joyfully. I picture the serenity of the environment surrounding me, with a lovely husband, and children (in God’s will), a respected career. That’s where I want to be. Nowhere luxurious but nowhere deprived. Just somewhere in between, something humble.
But then again, I’m only 25. And I have a few wish lists: 30 before 30. 

Another 5 years to achieve these wish lists. Its quite impossible as I am an ambitious, dream big type of person, hence I decided to extend it till maybe 45.

1. Get a Master’s Degree in OMFS (hopefully by 32).
2. Bring Mama travel back to Edinburgh.
3. Buy a house and design it vintage.

4. Travel to Europe with a lover.

5. Be able to afford an awesome sports car, like the bimmers M series.
6. Be financially stable. 300K, health insurance, savings, all that jazz.
7. Marry the man I love and can’t see myself being with anyone else.
8. Have kids and teach them how to be awesome.

9. Run a successful business with a partner (aka husband).
10. Honeymooning at the Maldives island.
11. Build and design my own backyard garden with twinkling lights.
12. Run a marathon.
13. Make myself comfortable wearing the hijab.
14. Have a flat abs.
15. Throw an amazing dinner party at home, and have cooked all the food myself and design the theme myself.


16. Learn to love the hot weather. Or at least, not hate it.
17. Live in a town that I am happy to be a part of.
18. Have an awesome room all to myself to focus on myself.
19. Organize a family day by the beach.
20. Volunteer for a good cause.
21. Take one day and ride a bike to a fresh market, buy fresh food, cook it, and be happy I did so.
22. Become a full blown modern muslimah.
23. Be happy with the physical shape I’m in.



24. Live a healthy lifestyle.
25. Publish an article to an international publication.
26. Have happy, healthy children that don’t despise me. And be able to help them in college.
27. Become a successful respected surgeon.
28. Stop caring about what others think about me.
29. Live life making wise choices.
30. Not regret a single thing.

Will I be able to achieve these? Let us see. InsyaAllah.