Liars in denial.

When you miss someone so badly, and you cant do anything - you want, but you cant, thats patience and faith in you. But what if you miss someone, you can - but you chose not to do anything about it. That is just being in denial. A liar. 

Honestly, I miss him. I miss him all the time. Its different this time around because I feel like I am not missed back. Unlike those days when I can barely hear his voice. Just the thought of him in my head, gives me the sense of his presence in me. Gives me the serenity, the patience and the strength. 

Nowadays, he's around. Always. And all the time. He hasn't gone or been to anywhere else, in fact his existence is very within reach. But I feel like he is not here. I could see him physically, I could hear his voice, but I can barely feel his presence. 

Truth? I feel like I lost him. And I'm terrified right now. Because the idea of losing him scares the hell out of me. I never want to lose him. I guess I'm being a liar now. A liar in denial. But a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do. I know I have to go through this phase. Because once a man pull away - like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come springing back all on his own. And this is all just a phase. Afterall, men are from mars and women from venus. 

I wish it was all that easy. The whole thing seems to imply that I should be mean to him to keep each other. Repulsive isnt it? These relationship seems perverse to me. Like it is not love. I know the need of boundaries and space, but this seems to be more about control and neurosis than love. Its an unhealthy, immature, narcissistic, dysfunctional relationship fraught with negative energies and power struggles. Isn't it?

Why can't I have a genuine intimacy? A type that has dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity with each other. Why can't we have a partnership centered and grounded in seeking to understand each other and allowing each other to know us. Accepting, respectful, and empathetic towards each other. Is it distance that is stopping all of this? All I want is to have a life partner that is of equals, having the intimacy which evolves through mutual self-disclosure and sincerity that are based on shared values, wants, needs, and goals. I understand that we can have different temperaments, strengths, vulnerabilities, and emotional histories, which can create issues, but still. I know our differences can be appreciated and cherished with a partner who is flexible, collaborative, accepting, honest, compassionate, supportive, fair, equal, reliable, and loving.

But in this situation right now, I have no idea where we stand in each other. Maybe I am the one to be lacking so much. Maybe I am blaming the long distance relationship.But then, it takes two to tango. Because, he can be flexible, collaborative, accepting, reliable and loving. But if we dont have the dialogue, if we're not transparent, if we can't cooperate and compromise to our vulnerability, what is this partnership we call love then?  

We are just liars in denial.