Going strong...

I’ve just watched a "relationship" that I truly believed was so caring and resilient, crumble in front of my eyes. There was nothing I could do to change the way he felt, I couldn’t change the choice he made. I gave it all I could, but this time it wasn’t enough. It was just over, just like that. Yet knowing these blunt facts, I’m still haunted by the ‘what if’s?’ that expand my doubts. 

Learning to block out these dangerously over-whelming thoughts and replace them with the acceptance that I’m never getting back what I had, hasn’t exactly been the healthiest or easiest journey. Nor has it helped lessened how absolutely drained and heart broken I am after this.

Good people leave, it happens. I’m learning that it’s not to make us weak but to instead strengthen us. These people walk out on us to allow better people to take their place. To fill in all the gaps the previous person wasn’t able to fill.

I don’t know how long it’ll take or how many hits and misses I’ll experience before this better person makes himself apparent, but I do know that when that person comes, I’ll be happy that I made the choice to endure this pain they call ‘moving on’ rather than holding on to the fake hope that the previous person led me to believe that maybe one day we’ll pick up where we left off. 

Last October I had my first thoughts. Only now I know how right I was. This was , too good to be true.

And I’m glad.

Heartless.

How do i live now? What do i do if the heart is not there anymore?

My heart is aching like someone just drilled my sternum and ripped my ribcage apart and crushed my heart.

Everything is aching now. Like a zombie I will be. Ugly. Starving for another heart. Desperate.

But soon, the heart will die. And free I will be.

And when that time comes, like a butterfly I will rise. Beautiful. Elegant. And up high.

Food

When you're happy but lonely, you over eat. When you're lost and depressed, you dont eat anything.

Thats how I am now. As of for now, 9.26am on a Tuesday of March 5th 2013, its been zero food for 6 days 10 hours 34 minutes and still counting.

Where does this put me?

A reason to hope...

The heart still burns longing for what the heart cannot desire.