Unsent letter...

Dear Farizul,

Some time this month, 2 years ago, was the day I first chatted with you. From the moment we started talking, I knew I wanted you around. And after seeing you that very first night in the airport, I already knew I wanted you around forever. Two months it took for us to learn about each other from a distance. And two days together. That’s all it took. Two days for me to fall in love with you, to give myself to you. Now, we are forever apart. But what’s forever apart after 6 months being together like that – 6 months of kindness and purity, of believing in hopes and having faith in building dreams together. Just 6 months with you and I am severely affected by you quitting and chickening out. You made me a promise. A pinky promise. A promise I knew you would keep. But boy was I wrong. Everything I thought I knew were beautiful and true, turned out fake. Lies.

You left so suddenly. You didn’t call or message. Knowing that any communication with me at that time would have changed your mind. You’re a coward. And so full of yourself. You thought so little of the relationship that you couldn’t even call to explain yourself. You thought so little of me that its so easy for you to come in and walk out just like that. You thought so little of me like I am nothing, just a piece of meat that you break and then dispose of. You broke me. I gave out every truth and purity. And you were supposed to be my last, to be the one that is going to stay no matter what comes. But you broke yourself, you broke your own promises, and you broke me.

“Love is an outpouring of everything goodness in you – of kindness and consideration, respect and calmness”. I have lost all that with you. I could not be kind to you and I was not calm. How could I respect you then? I guess you are right. We have lost the love. The love has died. What we had was magic and could have been truly beautiful. But you got selfish and impatient. You’re disrespectful, bitter, cruel, and inconsiderate. You’re childish and heartless. For the sake of Allah, I pray that you get out of this hole you dug 6 feet under.

Two years it has been since we first talked. Two days to fall in love. And two heartbreaking moments. That's all it took. Now, this is just another tragedy. A sweet calamity. You decided to leave. You decided to screw up. I should not be the one stuck in this unfortunate event. If, in how ever circumstance, that you are reading this. I just want you to know, Thank You for leaving me. For if it weren’t for you, I would not have understood the purpose of Life and the beauty of understanding It.

Yours truly.

Another Irony

So its been 1 year. Or so.. Since I last came in here to post up shit stuffs. Yup, shitty worldly lame stuff. But glad I have abandoned this while still have the opportunity to come back and reflect on shitty things. Its ironic, really. How this life is. But, carpe diem! Teddy was awesome! Hush now. Like autumn leaves. Float down. Like 747 

How ironic...

Today, exactly a year ago, I received the same kind of treatment from this same kind of species, called Men. The only difference now is that I realized, this time around, I will not allow anybody taking advantage of me.

"Why do we fall, sir? So we could learn to pick ourselves up." - Thank you for always reminding me this famous quote by Alfred.

Enough is just enough.

Pinky promises, are you still in?

Dear sayang,

What happen to us? I feel like we have lost touch of each other completely. I feel so lost and clueless. I'm sorry if there's anything that slipped my tongue which hurts you. I'm sorry if I did something that hurts you. But I seriously need clarification for this act of yours towards me. Things have become worse right now. I can't cope with them myself. We don't talk to each other like this. We don't lie and we don't hide from each other. That's always been our stand. To trust and to be trusted. There's something in my heart that is not calm. There's something that has been eating my happiness away. Something stealing my focus and drive to wake up everyday. I feel so lifeless. I have been struggling to earn your love. I didn't realize that I can't force it from you. Please understand that I never want this to happen. I hope and pray that one day we could love each other better.

How do you look at the person you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away? 

Liars in denial.

When you miss someone so badly, and you cant do anything - you want, but you cant, thats patience and faith in you. But what if you miss someone, you can - but you chose not to do anything about it. That is just being in denial. A liar. 

Honestly, I miss him. I miss him all the time. Its different this time around because I feel like I am not missed back. Unlike those days when I can barely hear his voice. Just the thought of him in my head, gives me the sense of his presence in me. Gives me the serenity, the patience and the strength. 

Nowadays, he's around. Always. And all the time. He hasn't gone or been to anywhere else, in fact his existence is very within reach. But I feel like he is not here. I could see him physically, I could hear his voice, but I can barely feel his presence. 

Truth? I feel like I lost him. And I'm terrified right now. Because the idea of losing him scares the hell out of me. I never want to lose him. I guess I'm being a liar now. A liar in denial. But a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do. I know I have to go through this phase. Because once a man pull away - like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come springing back all on his own. And this is all just a phase. Afterall, men are from mars and women from venus. 

I wish it was all that easy. The whole thing seems to imply that I should be mean to him to keep each other. Repulsive isnt it? These relationship seems perverse to me. Like it is not love. I know the need of boundaries and space, but this seems to be more about control and neurosis than love. Its an unhealthy, immature, narcissistic, dysfunctional relationship fraught with negative energies and power struggles. Isn't it?

Why can't I have a genuine intimacy? A type that has dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity with each other. Why can't we have a partnership centered and grounded in seeking to understand each other and allowing each other to know us. Accepting, respectful, and empathetic towards each other. Is it distance that is stopping all of this? All I want is to have a life partner that is of equals, having the intimacy which evolves through mutual self-disclosure and sincerity that are based on shared values, wants, needs, and goals. I understand that we can have different temperaments, strengths, vulnerabilities, and emotional histories, which can create issues, but still. I know our differences can be appreciated and cherished with a partner who is flexible, collaborative, accepting, honest, compassionate, supportive, fair, equal, reliable, and loving.

But in this situation right now, I have no idea where we stand in each other. Maybe I am the one to be lacking so much. Maybe I am blaming the long distance relationship.But then, it takes two to tango. Because, he can be flexible, collaborative, accepting, reliable and loving. But if we dont have the dialogue, if we're not transparent, if we can't cooperate and compromise to our vulnerability, what is this partnership we call love then?  

We are just liars in denial. 

Idle Hands

"Work keeps our minds active. It keeps us out of trouble. When we're not working, our hands are idle and the Devil will find work for the idle hands to do. And when you have an idle mind,  thats the Devil's playground too. At first, idleness can seem like a welcome distraction. The troublemaking and the fun. Everyone needs some idle time to focus on something other than work. Even if it means focusing on something thats a little bit scary. Stepping back from work is the only way to get perspective. And its only when we have everything in perspective that we remember where our hands truly belong."

Ive been keeping my hands and mind idle for a very long time. I lost track of myself and my sense of perspective. I forgot how to smile, laugh and be the best version of myself. Or at least try to be the best and be happy doing so the same time. All because I let the Devil took over me and my whole life. I hurt and frustrate people around me. I chase them out. And I even scare some of them away. 

But when one weight been lifted, I remembered to take a step back. I can take everything into perspective. And I could finally see everything that was once blinded by the Devil's visions. I realized that I have been missing out on a lot in life. And I am grateful for those who stayed and held my hands stronger than ever. 

My hands were idle. But I have everything in perspective now. And I guess thats how I know where my hands truly belong now. 

Love-hate relationship.

This song is truly a depiction of my passion for what I am doing now and hopefully in the future untill I retire as a respected someone.

I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a Lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down. My three words have two meanings. There's one thing on my mind; it's all for you.

It's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now.

I'm out of touch. I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight. I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now.

I'm gonna paint you by numbers and color you in. If things go right, we can frame it and put you on a wall. And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before. Now I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours.

Don't hold me down. I think my braces are breaking, and it's more than I can take. And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now.

I'm out of touch. I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight. I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done I will love you better now.

It has been, by far, the weirdest 2 months struggle of my life. I know I am nowhere near good right now. But I accept all the challenges that comes and the criticisms around. It's only a process of struggling with shits through time that I will eventually be good. And I am happy, glad and proud to be going through this. Because I know, I’m just gonna come back stronger than ever. Thank you for all the shits you put me through. 

It is after all a love-hate relationship.

No poetic letter.

"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like beautiful music"- Søren Kierkegaard

I knew the day would come when he had to leave. Again. Leave again for work in the middle of the deep-sea, seafaring through rough swells. And I am well aware that when this day comes, I have no choice except to put on my brave and strong self. But to no avail, I fell short. Short and disparaging to a point where I had to sigh and cry those three letter words to myself, I love you; I miss you, wishing that you would hear those cries. I don’t like that we are 1179 miles apart. I don’t like the brief 5 minutes call from the vague noisy satellite phone call. I don’t like looking through all our photos before sleep. And I certainly don’t like not having you by my side.

Nonetheless, I am delighted with the fact that we are still in similar time zones. I am excited to see your name appearing on my caller id every time my phone rings even if it’s just once in 2 days. I am captivated by your smile in all of the photos we shared. And even though you are not around, knowing that we are still in each others’ hearts gives me the warmth and calamity I longed for.

Tonight, I don’t wish to be poetic. I just wanna let these sighs and cries pass over without any music at all and to let you know that I have been happy despite them all.

And by them all, I refer to our long distance, our brief phone conversations, and the fact that we get to spend time together only 3 times a year. I am happy with holding on to the pictures of you, spending quality time through facetime, seeing you in the tiny screen of my phone, wearing your jerseys and sweaters whenever I needed your warmth.

I’m glad to have found you now, rather than before. I may not have seen all of you but you share with me the best of you and the worst of you. I have come to learn to appreciate that God puts us in situations so that we can become who we are now in each others’ lives. I came into your life at the right time, with the right reasons, and the right feelings. Even though we're so different, I have always believed that you are the yin to my yang. And I am so glad to have you in my life now, and hopefully in years to come. I promised to love you through thick and thin. Thank you for coming into my life and making it a better place to live in.

And know that I have nothing else I look forward to but your return. Sail home safe, my dear. 

A love letter, A goodbye note

Dear sayang,

Just a few hours left before u embark on an amazing journey sayang..a journey that will change your life forever..u will face and meet new friends, learning new cultures, and i hope u will settle down fast and adopt the change..and i believe u will do just fine :) 

there are times that you will miss home, stressed out from work, assignments, lectures, on calls, experience fatigue..remember! not to loose hope and faith..u must stay strong..keep in mind the reason u r there at the 1st place..to prove to people that u can be a great omfs surgeon..and dont forget ur prayers syg..(which also apply to me as well..)

Ill always be there for you sayang..even if im out of reach because im sailing..remember that i'll always be inside your heart..giving you all the support you need..this might be a test from god..to test our relationship before we proceed to another stage of our life..lets do our very best, not trying to bend it until broken but build it as strong and flexible as we can ever imagine..

As we step to our new journey, my prayers is always with you sayang..praying for your safety, health, success and not forgotten our relationship.. 

So i wish you all the best..good luck and bon voyage!!sorry because i cant send you to the airport..sending flying kisses and love from labuan

Much love from your bestfriend, your partner, your lover.

Farizul azlan hasnu ❤

Dear Sayang,

This has to be short and straight forward. But I hope its sweet enough to let you know that I am all out ready to embark on our journey that we dream. Allthough you are not here to help or send me off amidst all these crazy things that I have to prepare for this transfer, I feel ur strength, ur love and ur warmth. Thank you for accepting and loving who I am, however I am, whatever I am. I hope this new place trains me to be a better person, a more loving one for you, and for my family and friends. 

In case I am not reachable for whatever reason, I hope this message reaches you and reminds you that I love you, I miss you and I cant wait till the next time I see you. Take care of yourself. 

Much love from your bestfriend, your partner, your lover. 

Izzati nabilah ismail ❤

A bit of Sugar to our Bland contingency

This is what I came up with when you tell me to list down our pinky promises so that we wont miss out on them:

 

Truth is we can never come up with any list of our pinky promises because we are living it, sayang. Trust me. We are living it as we speak, blog, chat, read, sleep, eat, run, stare, cry, laugh, fight, kiss, hug, walk, fly, swim, work, rest and everything else in between. 

P.s: I super love you. And I crazy miss you.  

Homesick... for your home.

Friday. It was not a typical good night for me. As of post Iftar with family at home, I went up straight to bed. It wasn’t a tiring day but it felt as if I have not slept for days. I slept through the night without bothering to bring my phone along. I don’t have that sense of need to be dragging and carrying it anywhere I go these past few days. It was a short 2 hours sleep but I felt like I had a 2 nights sleep. The moment I woke up, it was already 11.30pm. And I suddenly felt the urgency to rush and search for my phone. I went downstairs looking for it and the battery was drained, so I charged it. To my surprise, I received 4 miscalls from a long unknown number. I googled the code number and found out it was from a satellite phone call from a ship to shore. Heart was devastated to know that I failed to notice all the calls.

I miss you. I miss you like crazy. I can’t talk about it to anybody. I can’t be showing my emotions. I can’t be telling people how difficult it is for me. It sucks. They all suck. I feel like I’m all alone on my own and have no one to hold on to.

This time around, it’s the first time you went off shore since we first last met. It feels so different. It feels so difficult too. No words can really describe this now. No one can really understand what I’m going through now. And I’m writing here because it’s worth sharing to you the things that I have to go through, the feelings I felt when you weren’t around. This tingling feeling at the back of my throat, this tears trickling down my cheeks, this runny nose that keeps me breathless, they’re worth all. So long as I can hear your voice for 2 minutes and hear you laugh and giggle, while you hear my sobbing happy voice.

Sayang, I’m surrounded by family and friends and so many other things to do, and so many places to go. For you to have to stay at one place, doing the same thing, seeing the same people, eating the same thing, for days weeks and months, I can only have so much respect towards you. I could not imagine myself going through that. I’d be crazy. So I thank you for all the patience, and strength and sanity to go through this, all for our pinky promises. I will do so much to make all of this work.

Because in the end, you love me. And I love you. And you’re worth all the waits and sacrifices.

I do...

...wanna be loved.

" Your heart's against my chest 

Lips pressed to my neck 

I've fallen for your eyes 

But they don't know me yet 

And the feeling I forget 

I'm in love now "

It may sound cliché' but this feels like being in love. It really does. It is not just a loophole or an escape. It is not just an idea of falling in love. Instead, it is the settling down. It is the assurance and the commitment. It is the safety you're giving. It is being your lady. And yes, I want it from you. Just you. 

So take this kiss and lets forget about the rest of it. Lets watch our lives together. Cause do you remember? We pinky promised.

Reevaluating love...

“Love is a grave mental disease.” At least that’s how Plato put it. And while anyone who’s ever been ‘in love’ might see some truth to this statement, there is a critical mistake made here. Love is not a mental disease. Desire is.

If being ‘in love’ means our lives are in pieces and we are completely broken, miserable, utterly consumed, hardly able to function, and willing to sacrifice everything, chances are it’s not love. Despite what we are taught in popular culture, true love is not supposed to make us like drug addicts.

And so, contrary to what we’ve grown up watching in movies, that type of all-consuming obsession is not love. It goes by a different name. It is hawa—the word used in the Quran to refer to one’s lower, vain desires and lusts. Allah describes the people who blindly follow these desires as those who are most astray: “But if they answer you not, then know that they only follow their own lusts (hawa). And who is more astray than the one who follows his own lusts, without guidance from Allah?” (28: 50)

By choosing to submit to our hawa over the guidance of Allah, we are choosing to worship those desires. When our love for what we crave is stronger than our love for Allah, we have taken that which we crave as a lord. Allah says: “Yet there are men who take (for worship) others besides Allah, as equal (with Allah): They love them as they should love Allah. But those of Faith are overflowing in their love for Allah.” (2:165)

If our ‘love’ for something makes us willing to give up our family, our dignity, our self-respect, our bodies, our sanity, our peace of mind, our deen, and even our Lord who created us from nothing, know that we are not ‘in love’. We are slaves.

Of such a person Allah says: “Do you see such a one as takes his own vain desires (hawa) as his lord? Allah has, knowing (him as such), left him astray, and sealed his hearing and his heart, and put a cover on his sight. (45: 23)

Imagine the severity. To have one’s sight, hearing and heart all sealed. Hawa is not pleasure. It is a prison. It is a slavery of the mind, body and soul. It is an addiction and a worship. Beautiful examples of this reality can be found throughout literature. In Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations, Pip exemplifies this point. In describing his obsession with Estella, he says: “I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.”

Dickens’ Miss Havisham describes this further: “I’ll tell you…what real love is. It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to the smiter – as I did!”

What Miss Havisham describes here is in fact real. But it is not real love. It is hawa. Real love, as Allah intended it, is not a sickness or an addiction. It is affection and mercy. Allah says in His book: “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an 30: 21)

Real love brings about calm—not inner torment. True love allows you to be at peace with yourself and with God. That is why Allah says: “that you may dwell in tranquility.” Hawa is the opposite. Hawa will make you miserable. And just like a drug, you will crave it always, but never be satisfied. You will chase it to your own detriment, but never reach it. And though you submit your whole self to it, it will never bring you happiness.

So while ultimate happiness is everyone’s goal, it is often difficult to see past the illusions and discern love from hawa. One fail-safe way, is to ask yourself this question: Does getting closer to this person that I ‘love’ bring me closer to—or farther from—Allah? In a sense, has this person replaced Allah in my heart?

True or pure love should never contradict or compete with one’s love for Allah. It should strengthen it. That is why true love is only possible within the boundaries of what Allah has made permissible. Outside of that, it is nothing more than hawa, to which we either submit or reject. We are either slaves to Allah, or slaves to our hawa. It cannot be both.

Only by struggling against false pleasure, can we attain true pleasure. They are by definition mutually exclusive. For that reason, the struggle against our desires is a prerequisite for the attainment of paradise. Allah says: “But as for he who feared the position of his Lord and prevented the soul from [unlawful] inclination, then indeed, Paradise will be [his] refuge.” (Qur’an, 79: 40-41)

-Yasmin Mogahed.

So, once again. Where does this take me? What does this make me? How does this affect me? Who does this bring me to? Guide me. 

A Heart Aint A Brain.

"The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable: they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed." - Ernest Hemingway

I have heard and seen so many beautiful love stories, realities and fantasies altogether, about persons who make them feel complete, gives them so much of themselves, provides them the comfort, security, and merely the possession of treasured endowment of love. But that was never my story. I was always entangled in their verdicts. They put me in their sealed traps and dragged me further down into their faux pass. Torturing me so. Asphyxiated in my own blunder, I knew I need to crawl out of this egoistical world.  A loophole is all I need.

 

It’s amusing and a blessing that I found you in my times of misery. After all the heartwarming, revealing and insightful conversations we had, I found a soft spot for you. Never have I thought that this would bring me so much joy, comfort and nearly the possession of love - at least at this moment right now. I appreciate all your naked truths, even though there were some obvious offensive nuisances. This weak heart of mine is gathering all the courage to take the risk of accepting your nuisance. In hopes that this approval of offends will help you cringe back to the righteous path. I want to believe that these won’t only help you, but me as well, especially in making wise choices and sacrifices. It’s no denying that I have spent countless hours doubting – Is this what I want? Am I prepared? It’s a scary thing and truth be told, there was a never a day that I don’t feel scared about it. But then again, I remember how our dreams collide, those perfect dreams that you and I are willing to strive. It only makes me want to devote myself.

What I am trying to say is, you gave me the loophole to all my miseries and predicament in the strangest time. I don’t understand your purposes, and I don’t ever need to know them. All that matter is that I am glad fate brought me to you. You are my loophole, you are all I need.  

So yes, a heart is not a brain. And sometimes, fate and dreams can collide.

a rope worth holding...

He never just had a part of me, he had all of me. I wrapped myself up in his being and it wasn’t surprising when he did the same. Our lives became entwined with a mix of our bests, and our worsts. I’m not scared nor do I feel robbed. I guess I feel a little confused on how something that consuming couldn’t make it to the end.

Here I am now thinking about what lies ahead. To have my string back from the entwined rope, it just doesn’t seem right. I feel vulnerable and not as strong. What I keep forgetting is that it’s not impossible to entwine myself with another rope. So many people don’t want to change, they want to move on and still be the same person. I’ve felt that way for such a long time. Now I feel like the only answer is forgetting..

If I was willing to give that much of myself to him at one time, I shouldn’t be selfish enough to ask for it back. And I shouldn’t be shallow enough to expect another girl to love his leftovers. I have to create something for her to love that isn’t marked by his and mine. I don’t need to hate him in the process either.

This is all ok to feel but theres a day when that strand of rope is knotted and then the new piece forms. Different lengths and different strengths. They're all the same rope. I just need to decide which piece I feel the safest holding when I fall. Right?

Afterall, thats what I've always wanted. For someone to catch me when i fall...

Going strong...

I’ve just watched a "relationship" that I truly believed was so caring and resilient, crumble in front of my eyes. There was nothing I could do to change the way he felt, I couldn’t change the choice he made. I gave it all I could, but this time it wasn’t enough. It was just over, just like that. Yet knowing these blunt facts, I’m still haunted by the ‘what if’s?’ that expand my doubts. 

Learning to block out these dangerously over-whelming thoughts and replace them with the acceptance that I’m never getting back what I had, hasn’t exactly been the healthiest or easiest journey. Nor has it helped lessened how absolutely drained and heart broken I am after this.

Good people leave, it happens. I’m learning that it’s not to make us weak but to instead strengthen us. These people walk out on us to allow better people to take their place. To fill in all the gaps the previous person wasn’t able to fill.

I don’t know how long it’ll take or how many hits and misses I’ll experience before this better person makes himself apparent, but I do know that when that person comes, I’ll be happy that I made the choice to endure this pain they call ‘moving on’ rather than holding on to the fake hope that the previous person led me to believe that maybe one day we’ll pick up where we left off. 

Last October I had my first thoughts. Only now I know how right I was. This was , too good to be true.

And I’m glad.

Heartless.

How do i live now? What do i do if the heart is not there anymore?

My heart is aching like someone just drilled my sternum and ripped my ribcage apart and crushed my heart.

Everything is aching now. Like a zombie I will be. Ugly. Starving for another heart. Desperate.

But soon, the heart will die. And free I will be.

And when that time comes, like a butterfly I will rise. Beautiful. Elegant. And up high.

Food

When you're happy but lonely, you over eat. When you're lost and depressed, you dont eat anything.

Thats how I am now. As of for now, 9.26am on a Tuesday of March 5th 2013, its been zero food for 6 days 10 hours 34 minutes and still counting.

Where does this put me?

A reason to hope...

The heart still burns longing for what the heart cannot desire.

Kitkat Anyone?

Oh BMS BMS BMS... why are you torturing me so.

But lets not forget what Papa have said.

"Be not afraid of failure. Life is not about what you cant do. Its about what you still can."